You be the judge: should my partner stop eating off other people’s plates? | Life and style

The prosecution: Helen

I know Bill hates waste, but pouncing on people’s leftovers is embarrassing, unhygienic and rude

My partner, Bill, hates food waste and is passionate about sustainability and the environment. He says: “Thank you, chicken,” or “Thank you, duck,” before he eats, which I think is quite sweet.

But Bill’s ethos means he also takes food off other people’s plates, which is an issue for me, particularly in public. I don’t like the way he does it. He’ll wait until everyone’s finished and the waiter is clearing the plates. Then, at the last minute, he’ll grab something.

We live in Lisbon, and were recently having dinner with friends we hadn’t seen in a long time. The place was busy and the waitress was rushed off her feet. She came to clear our plates and Bill reached across to finish the duck breast our friends had ordered. He didn’t even say: “Have you finished with your duck?” I think that’s rude.

The waitress was trying to clear the table while Bill fished around eating the scraps. It felt inconsiderate to keep everyone waiting. If we’d been with his mum, I’d have made less of an issue of it, but with friends we rarely see I found it embarrassing.

This isn’t a one-off. At home, if friends are over, he’ll never let something go to waste. I’ve watched him remove mould off leftovers in our fridge and eat them, and he scrapes leftover rice off other people’s plates.

I care about the environment too. I don’t throw food away without thinking, but if something has gone off, I will. Bill is militant about what goes in the bin. Once, I threw away a melon rind and he took it out of the bin to eat the tiny bits of watermelon on it.

In Lisbon, people often share food when eating out. In a tapas situation, it’s fine to pick at leftovers as everyone is helping themselves. But to me it feels rude and unhygienic to take leftovers off someone else’s plate. Bill often eats far more than he actually wants, then complains about how full he is.

I know his intentions come from a good place. I’m not asking him to waste food. But if he’s going to ask for somebody’s leftovers, I wish he’d do it earlier rather than waiting until somebody is clearing the plates.

The defence: Bill

I worked in renewables and believe wasting food, especially meat, is wrong – why throw it away?

Some of Helen’s points have been taken out of context. It wasn’t really our friends’ duck dish, because it was a tapas-style meal. I was thinking: “We’re kind of sharing that.”

Normally, I’ll wait until everyone’s stopped eating and then ask: “Are you finished?” I just forgot. I was waiting for the moment to pounce on it. I can see it was more embarrassing for Helen because the whole table witnessed it. I don’t think the waitress was waiting long, certainly not more than a minute, but I appreciate that it was awkward.

I hate food waste. A few grains of rice or a bit of salad isn’t an issue, but I struggle with seeing meat wasted. I’m concerned about animal welfare and the fact that an animal has died. You could say that makes me hypocritical, because I eat meat, but when I see this piece of beautiful pan-fried duck, I don’t think it should go in the bin. It’s about respect for the animal and not letting it go to waste.

Sometimes I probably come across as self-righteous. I used to work in renewables and I feel strongly about how much food we waste globally. I like educating people.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking to eat people’s leftovers to reduce food waste. There are limits, of course. If it was a business meeting or dinner with my boss, I wouldn’t do it. If I knew it would jeopardise things for Helen socially, I’d be on my best behaviour. Around family and close friends, though, I don’t see it as a bad thing.

As for the watermelon, the bin bag I picked it out of was brand new. The melon rind was right on top with barely anything else in there. I realise my behaviour was a bit odd. I don’t want to make myself ill, and if food has genuinely gone off, I’ll throw it away. Equally, if anyone at the table was ill, I wouldn’t pick at food and spread germs by eating from their plate.

I know I can get carried away. But it always comes back to one thing: I don’t think good food, especially meat, should go to waste if it could be eaten.

Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

If this was a one-off occurrence and Bill just forgot to ask the others before tucking in, then he can be forgiven. But if he makes a habit of “pouncing” on his neighbours’ food without warning, they won’t stick around for long.
Christian, 50

Eliminating food waste in your own home is responsible and aligned with Bill’s morals, but time and place should be considered. Ultimately, he should acknowledge Helen’s embarrassment and adjust his behaviour in public accordingly.
Tracey, 33

While I sympathise with Bill’s wish to reduce food waste, especially meat, taking food from others’ plates is rude and embarrassing. He and Helen should establish clear boundaries they both agree on, maybe keeping it to family meals. Also, if animal welfare matters so much, why not become vegetarian?
Alicja, 33

There’s no problem with finishing leftovers if you ask politely. But Bill using the environment as an excuse, instead of just apologising, suggests that he’ll keep forgetting his manners. He should at least stop eating meat if he’s going to lecture others on food waste.
Sinead, 25

I think it’s fine to swoop on other people’s food, but I may be biased because I do it myself. A lot. These are Bill’s friends – and what is a bit of spit between friends? His heart is in the right place.
Kitty, 34

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Bill bin his leftovers habit?

The poll closes on Wednesday 2 September at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked if Dave should stop hogging his partner’s preferred side of the bed

88% of you said yes – Dave is guilty

12% of you said no – Dave is not guilty